Verizon Wireless Socially Distanced Me


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Can you hear me now? The giant cell phone service dinosaurs are all well-known for their customer service malfeasances. Perhaps only the national media organizations from New York, Los Angeles, and Washington DC are as disconnected from common sense and the common man these days. Dooh.

Hashtag #WATT - What Are They Thinking…These are now the same people! Silly me.

The cell companies’ Customer Services folks are perhaps more pleasant than the CA EDD and DMV staff. They are no less constrained by dubious internal arcane policies that make no sense to anyone else with a sound mind.

Does Your Wireless Carrier Spread STD?

We all agree that bad Customer Service a serious STD (socially transmitted disease).

You might want to like and retweet this post.

Truth be told, I have been a Verizon Wireless customer for longer than they have been the corporate monster company they are today. Certainly, that time frame is about as long as anyone could own a cell phone or even a car phone. Maybe you can remember that far back? I’m not sucking up. I just got sucked up.

Yep. I was an early bag phone adopter back in my contractor days when we actually employed short code phases to reduce the number of call minutes consumed on the expensive car phones to get ‘re done. Nah. We were not doing a Bag Man thing. I did work with a lot of Italians and Irishmen with large family businesses. God Bless Cousin Vinny. You get the point.

The story which reflects the Catch 22 scenarios the only lawyers, secular corporations, and government bureaucracies can conjure. Hollywood does this well too.

Could you please call The Exorcist? I cannot.

Herd It Through the Grapevine

During Christmas week in sunny California we had a blizzard north of LA. The storm closed the major north south Interstate for days. Sing it…Heard it through the Grapevine. The CHiPs (less Estrada) rescued people freezing in cars and trucks. Tow truck drivers were named by the LA press as noble first responders. You can pick up your Impounded car 50 miles away. Here’s the bill. Kid you not.

Let’s Total Recall at that point Corona was only a beer some folks liked with lime wedgies. Soon it was only a Glimmer Man in the mouth/month of the bat about to whack some city called Wuhan. I only knew Wuhan existed because my brother-in-law went there occasionally for work. How many Chinese cities are bigger the NY and LA?

At the moment, the same brother-in-law awaits heart by-pass surgery His Nuisance will not allow. Go figure.

PPE - Pathetic Performance and Execution

That week I got an early dose of the PPE crisis and a perverse form of horde(ing) madness in the current context of the Great Digital Divide. You know… Those that own the technology and those that depend on it and pay for it.

Santa Stole My Smart Phone

A new smartphone that I ordered as a gift on-line disappeared off a delivery truck the night of the big storm. Christmas Eve to be exact. Verizon’s shipping services provider lost the phone and never delivered it to my door before Christmas as promised. Oh. Boohoo.

This gift became the gift that keeps on giving.

You might think such a miracle would be Mission Impossible in our digital age of scanned everything, IOT, and GPS everywhere and every when. Thank the Dick of Blade Runner fame. We know different. This would truly be a precrime from Minority Report.
God forbid, this form of immaculate conception happens to you.
That begs the question,

“Can a state-of-the-art Chinese smartphone Transformer into Rosemary’s Baby?”

Probably 8 customer service man-hours and 20+ days later a replacement phone arrived.
Oh, Happy Day.

Better Late Than Never Becomes The Really Bad Thing

The next month I get a weird $500 charge on my Verizon bill. I’ve been charged by Verizon because I did not return the phone I never received? Verizon Customer Service persons say they can see in the transaction records that I never signed for their Rosemary’s Baby. Oh, Goody. Problem solved.

Remember this is state-of-the-art worldwide information services company that tracks every click we do. They proactively sell that information to folks we never heard of who like to spam advertise back at us the same exact stuff we bought yesterday. Go figure.

4-6 customer service hours later I am promised verbally and by SMS confirmation by persons (who apparently only have first names) that the bogus charge will be removed from my bill with a credit in 24 to 48 hours.

They happily explain to me that the on-line Verizon billing pages are always wrong. No worries.

I suggest, “You might want to fix those on-line financial update issues. This must cost you tons and tons of time.”

They agree.

Yeah right. For some Doctor Strange reason this interchange reminds me of the bad and totally inappropriate 80’s standup comedy knock knock joke from whom I cannot recall…Maybe George…Sounds like George.

Knock Knock
“Who’s there?”
“Hello. I know you probably don’t remember me, but we met at a party 6 to 8 weeks ago. We had Coronas with lime…”

Life’s a Beach…Someone Killed Roger Rabbit

If you miss the reference to Roger Rabbit, it is ok. It was almost the worst movie ever made.
I can think of another more awful one starring the Terminator, Ann Margret, and Kirk Douglas of all people. We need to just Move On like the Dem Super Pac. Makes about as much sense.

“Ah. Come On, man!”

Someone que the famous bizarro bumper music - the live cut of Hotel California by the Eagles.

“Welcome to the Hotel California….
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave.”

Groundhog Day

Need I say more. Phil…Bill? Can you hear me now?

Every couple of weeks I make the same calls, invest the same man-hours, talk to the same first name only polite Customer Service reps and receive the same exact treatment with the same result.

Like many others it appears, I become an expert at dodging all the many nuances of the Verizon Customer Service automated call menus. I learn how to get to an irrelevant Verizon Customer Service rep in less the five minutes or so.

Nah. I will not share that invaluable and totally useless How to publicly. Some things you must experience to learn. Ask the Count of Monte Cristo.

Death By Automated Messages from the Verizon Database from Hell

Que the theme music for Jaws. Dum Dum oh whatever…

I never knew that Taylor Swift recorded a song called Death by a Thousand Cuts. What da I know?
I thought Death by a Thousand Cuts was traditional form of Chinese torture. Goes way back to Genghis or Dinghus or his other brother Don.
You can learn something new and useless every day on a smartphone.

The corporate financial database triggers begin automatically firing off a harassment blast of SMS reminders and nasty bleating reminder emails warning of the dire consequences for not paying a cell phone bill in full by this or that date. I make some more calls…

Stir and Repeat

“Guys. I am paying my bill as instructed by your own Customer Services dept? What gives?”

Silly me. I call Financial Services to explain the entire thing yet again.

They agree with the assessment that the charge probably should not be on the bill. I am instructed that I must call Customer Service to remove the charge. They can see and do acknowledge that I have done so repeatedly. This bad charge is not their problem. There is nothing they are authorized to do anything about.

If Financial Services can’t fix and billing problem who can? Bizarre indeed.

William Tell Overture Time

Sad to say I recognize that the Lone Ranger isn’t going to show up.

Verizon Financial Services also informs me the credit was rejected multiple times because the phone in question was not returned. No one at Verizon messaged me that or called me about it. Maybe an AI decided I was a thief?

In the same breath, they explain kindly that they can also see that the phone was never delivered. They can do nothing about my problem unless I agree to a payment plan or immediately pay in full for the same erroneous charge made by Verizon on the account. Huh?

Bill Paxton’s career making line from Aliens II bears repeating at this point.

“This can’t be happenin’ man.
This can’t be happenin’ man”

“Run away…Run away!” as Monty Python would say. Sounds like a good idea. Then again maybe it’s Running Man time.

What’s Customer Service?

Real people taking real actions to help other people as they promised.
For that we don’t need no stinkin’ PPE or no stinkin’ badges for that matter.

I send an email to the most identifiable C level Verizon Corporate Officer who probably has a team of social-distanced highly paid trouble-shooters who might deal with this. Perhaps only because of the corporate liability issues and not any desire to deliver reasonable customer service.

They promised to respond to my detailed explanation in 24 hrs via a NoReply automated email.

We can pray. Eheh.

I seem attract this Seven Plagues of Egypt kind of unwanted attention. I am well aware that God at times chooses to harden Pharaoh’s heart for His own purposes. Not much fun when you stand there, if you catch the drift.

This morning Verizon’s automated response systems have shut off all the lines connected to my account including the gift phone of my daughter who is working as a PA in a hospital emergency room.

Yes. The friendly folks are Version Customer Service and Verizon Financial Services put that in the account history…At least they claimed they did when I asked them to do it. They have no official way they are allowed to confirm this.

Hump? What Hump?

Maybe they also marked me as a problematic customer for questioning Verizon’s shoddy accounting policies and coercive financial practices. You know the drill. You can never argue over a Verizon billing charge.

I suppose that I can’t expect that the Customer Service supervisor will now be able to call me back as promised.

If I don’t call you back right away, you might want to send me an email. Whatever works…

Oh. You might want to like and retweet this post.

Have You Been Socially Distanced from Civil 3D
Get the Framework for Civil 3D Release 8


“Noah? How long can you tread water?”

Can You Hear Me Laughing?

Verizon corporate called me within the promised 24-hour time frame and restored the phone service. They apologized and listened to my suggestions to improve things. Hoorah.

The rep explained all the Verizon people should have done better. Ya think?
This response proves that people listen but only hear what they want to hear for the most part.

Verizon’s problems are not people problems but policy problems that spread like deadly viruses.

This was once again a first name only person who provided no follow up contact information and called me from a 800 number no one can call back. That was a bit disappointing but not unsurprising.
Stupid runs in herds.

I said on the call that if all that was promised was done, I would not publish this not so complementary post.

On Second Thought

The rep promised to issue the credit immediately.
They managed to do so for the incorrect amount.
You must be kidding.

Now I must run the Verizon Customer Service and Financial gauntlet yet again to get another stupid account error corrected. That should be interesting.

I still remain a large system error checking crap magnet.
Some people have all the luck.